


Saved A Wretch Like Me

by HushedBreathsOverSecretPrayers



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Anal Sex, Bottom Dean, Breathplay, Castiel's True Form, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grace Sharing, M/M, Mark of Cain, Top Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-03
Updated: 2015-03-03
Packaged: 2018-03-16 03:46:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3473270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HushedBreathsOverSecretPrayers/pseuds/HushedBreathsOverSecretPrayers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post Canon AU following after S10 ep 14 The Executioner's Song. Castiel tries to heal some of Dean's emotional wounds through Grace Exchange.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Saved A Wretch Like Me

No one can tell what goes on in between the person you were and the person you become. No one can chart that blue and lonely section of hell. There are no maps of the change. You just … come out the other side. Or you don’t.

 

 

"Cas... Dean's in trouble."  
Sam's confirmation of what Castiel was already feeling somewhere deeper than his bones sent pangs of all too human fear and despair through his vessel like an unwelcome guest that despite his wishes was here to stay. "I'll sit in with him for a while. " Was his only response. The only thing he was capable of supplying to the two of them at the moment was a shoulder and some reassuring words, weather they were wanted or not. 

The door slipped shut behind the Angel with a faint locking click that could only be heard clearly in the dreams of later years.  
"Hello. Dean..." His voice falling like a hush over the weary hunter seated in bed tracing with uncertain fingertips along the outlines of his latest mistake emblazoned so permanently in his flesh.  
"Hey, Cas." He gave, hoping his lighter tone would mask the hollowness just beneath it. The Bone tired exhaustion he felt from having the harsh reality of Cain's truth shoved down his throat. Castiel took a cautious step toward the bed and reached out to brush his hand over his shoulder and gripped him. Grounding him here in the present, drawing him out from his muddled thoughts. "I know these weren't the results you were hoping for tonight, Dean. You were seeking answers and you did not get them. I understand how difficult that must be for you- "  
Cut off by a cynical if not mocking scoff from Dean. "Yeah, no... Difficult doesn't quite capture it, Cas." Running a rough hand over his stubble in irritation. "Shoulda' known... it was stupid. Getting help from a guy like Cain for a problem like this is like hiring a pyromaniac to fix a friggin' oil-burner." Muttering in disgust with himself for having still held out hope even after he swore he wouldn't. He shrugged off Castiel's hand. Dean didn't even want him in his immediate vicinity right now, not after-- not after what Cain assured him. ~You'll kill the Angel. And Sam~  
And Sam...The words repeated in his head and in his chest. How did it get this far? How the hell did they get here? How could he be so fucking blind and self assured. Everything hurt. Every breath was a war and he knew he was losing. The pain was like the end of the world. He thought: There comes a point when the very discussion of pain becomes redundant. No one knows there is pain the size of this in the world. No one. Dean's heart seemed to twist like a rag inside his chest, and there was a moment he wondered how it could possibly go on beating in the face of all of this.  
The warmth of two callused hands seized ether side of his face with a gentle urging.  
"Dean...You're getting lost again. You must stop. Thoughts like these, they're dangerous for you. You need to let go of it. All of it."  
The once bright forest green eyes, now dim like a field in winter searched out the the blue that burned through him like an ancient supernova of of stardust. Even after all these years. Grace or no grace. Cas still held a power about him. A steadfast certainty that helped calm Dean's crumbling world around him.  
"You don't get it do you?" Dean's voice choked out with effort. "I can't let go. I can't! I'm barely holding it together, man- and if I give in... even an inch, I might lose control of the reins. I might start fallin' and there ain't nothin' to grab onto.  
Light's out.  
Over.  
No, To be continued... No, tune in next week, kids.  
None of that. I'm gonna go off the reservation and you and Sam will pay the price!"  
Castiel shook his head clutching at Dean a little tighter. "But if you hold onto something too tightly it will surely break, Dean."  
Leave it to the Angel to come up with some bumper sticker wisdom in a moment of soul baring crisis.  
"Don't touch me, dude..." He gritted out through clenched teeth reaching up to catch Castiel's wirsts and tug them down of his face.  
"You're freakin' me out with all the hand holdin' crap."  
Castiel was growing impatient with the human's boundaries, with how impossible it was to reach him at times.  
"Dean, I am always very respectful of your wishes but right now, I'm going to disobey you. Just this once..."  
He returned his hands to his charge's startled face and held him there, not allowing his gaze to wander.  
"Cas?..."  
Dean's voice faltered uncertain as the Angel proceeded.  
"What if I could offer you some relief? Free you of this burden if only for a little while?"  
Castiel questioned with purpose and Dean didn't know how to take what he was asking him. Hell, he didn't know how to take any of the way Cas was acting with him right now. Mostly he hated the way his body cowered without his permission in the presence of Cas's stern actions with him.  
"Pretty sure if that was possible you would have offered up whatever this gangbuster idea is long ago...."  
Dean replied which brought the Angel pause.  
"It is possible. The mark is marring your body... If I were to free you from your body for a while, free you from this infection running rampant through you. Perhaps it will give you relief. Some clarity. Peace."  
"Peace?"  
Dean repeated after him with suspicion lacing his words before cracking an uneasy side smirk.  
"Geez, Cas if I didn't know any better I'd think you were proposing to kill my ass."  
He quipped back and at Cas who as usual gave nothing away in his hard gaze.  
"Holy crap... You are aren't ya? You're actually talking about killing me like it's nothing, some sort of pleasure cruise. The Hell, man??"  
Castiel's hold remained firm but gentle.  
"Yes. That is what I'm suggesting. But not in the harsh terms you speak of. I would be there, and you would not really be dead. I would not take you far from your body. You would not fully cross over. There's an in-between. We would not breach the parallel between this world in the next."  
Dean just stared at him like this was the craziest thing he's heard and was ready and waiting for the punch line.  
"Wh-? No. Hell no, man. Y'know whats relaxing? Burger's, beer... Sex. When it comes to relaxing crap I'm pretty sure getting killed is as low on the totem pole as you can get."  
"I will not hurt you, Dean. I would never. I think this will help. I can touch you in places out of my reach here."  
Dean shifted away from him a couple inches after that.  
"If you think you're gonna have any more luck touchin' anything else just cause we're in another zip code you're out of your damn mind, Cas."  
Castiel squinted back at the frustrating ape and sighed heavily.  
"I was speaking of your soul, Dean. Nothing untoward, I can assure you."  
Dean eyed him quietly, maybe a little death would do him good. Maybe Cas would be merciful enough to friggin' leave him there was lingering in the back of his mind. Maybe he deserved a little punishment for putting them all here to begin with. His chest was constricting with trepidation and as ashamed as he was maybe a little fear.  
"How? I mean uh- how would you do it?"  
The hunter questioned while running his tongue over the salty sting of the split in his lip in nervous anticipation.  
" I will stop your breathing. It will feel uncomfortable... But only for a moment. You will probably feel panic, but that's just your body's instinct to fight. When you feel that, I want you to just let go and sink down into the feeling. When it gets dark... I will come for you. You'll see me. All of me. And I'll return you to your body afterwards. "  
He gave simply as if he was reciting the right amount gin to mix into a Tom Collins. Dean just gaped back at him with his stomach in uncertain knots.  
"You- you can't just... I dunno, pull me out or somethin'? It's gotta be a slow friggin' torture?"  
Castiel decided to be brave with his actions and spared Dean a brief caress against his cheek with the pad of his thumb, and the hunter thankfully caught himself before he could lean into it and chase the offered comfort the angel was attempting to provide him.  
" Dean, your soul is fragile. If I were to just reach inside and pull it out of you it would explode like a nuclear reactor before you could even cross the threshold. It has to be slow and gentle and it takes a little time. This is a non painful method... Dean"  
He held his face with both hands  
" I would not hurt you... I promise."  
In a moment he was climbing up into the bed and slipping behind Dean, one arm reaching around across his chest and the other around his middle as he pulled him in, bringing Dean's tensed back flush against his comforting chest.  
"I'm asking you to trust me."  
He was well aware that was no simple request for a man like Dean Winchester, but he was asking him anyway. Dean's heart thrummed against the arm wrapped around his chest and all his warning signals were sending his senses into their fight or flight mode. It's not even the act of allowing Cas to take his life that was terrifying him. It was the trust he was being asked to offer up, Dean learned a long time ago that letting your guard down, surrendering your body over like this resulted in catastrophic consequences. Another frightening thing also nagging at his troubled psyche was... Why was such an intimate hold such as this one... With Cas, why was it not repelling him? Why Did he want to close his eyes and stay there like this till there was nothing left of him but memories and ashes. Why did he feel safe instead the fear that drowned him every night his mind wandered into places he'd never dare admit to.  
"No... I- Cas, w-wait. Wait just a- gimmie a minute..."  
He couldn't do it. His nerves were attacking his reasoning that, of course he wouldn't hurt him. Not Cas. Not these hands holding him down. Cause these were the hands that rebuilt him so long ago. This was the being that breathed new life into him when he couldn't breath for himself.  
The Angel bowed his head and nosed gently at the soft spot behind Dean's ear.  
"You're safe right now. No harm will come to you. No pain. It's alright to let go, Dean. I have arms that can carry you. And I intend to do just that if you'll just let me."  
The hunter reached back, uncertain hands seeking purchase and clutched at the tops of Castiel's thighs. He wasn't going to be a bitch about this. He could handle it. He's handled worse. His mouth was dessert dry and his heart thudded in his chest. But he just nodded.  
"O-okay, m'ready, Cas... Just-- get it over with."  
The Angel frowned resting his face into the crook of Dean's neck. He didn't like him being frightened at his own hands. He searched blindly down for Dean's hand and clasped it with his own while his other hand slipped slowly up Dean's chest and brought it to rest over the hunter's throat, Cas closed his hand over Dean's neck gently. Applying no pressure other then what it took to bring Dean's head back to slowly rest on him against his shoulder. In the moment that Dean felt Castiel's hand close over his throat, a promise of what was to come he squirmed and his legs moved restlessly against the sheets. Cas pressed his mouth to the others ear and hushed his panic with a kiss, which stilled him alright, he couldn't even string together enough brain cells together to protest.  
"Be calm, Dean..."  
He soothed, warm damp breath against the side of his face.  
"It's alright. Just be calm."  
He waited, listening to his breathing and when it was at an acceptable level Cas sent a small heated charge into Dean's body. It wasn't abrupt or startling, but the air did eventually stop coming in. The Angel then wrapped his arms around to comfort him. It wasn't painful, probably just a bit frightening. Castiel leaned into his ear when he felt Dean start to panic and his hold tighten on him seeking safety.  
"I know... It's alright, Dean. It's just your body dying. I'm here... Close your eyes for me. Can you do that?  
You're doing very well.  
I've got you... I've got you."  
He could feel him weaken in his arms and knew he was slipping into the dark. Castiel pressed his lips to Dean's ear and his breath came out like a soft breeze on an October evening.  
"I'm coming, Dean...."

 

 

When the dark took hold, baring all life away, Dean would see nothing but a dark road with no real form around him. No sound no real feeling other than confusion. Before long there was a tidal wave of electricity that blew towards him from somewhere in the void and he was enveloped by a pure white light wrapped around a soft blue glow of warmth that began to wrap around him from all angles. It felt like slipping into a heated pool and every wave of water that lapped against his body was warmth and tingling electricity  
"Hello, Dean... "  
An actual form stepped out of the light and it was towering over Dean's small form enough that he would have to strain his neck to look up at it. Castiel stood there both beautiful and frightening. A body pulsing with light and energy. The pair of wings Dean had glimpsed were joined by four others, all of them moving and shifting around its body with an almost mechanical precision. He felt ancient and other worldly. His face wasn't exactly human, his eyes glowed a deep blue stardust, large wise and almost sad... Not that much different from what Dean already saw them as. Light around him contained stars and spirals of life forms from earth, animals and creatures that were intact with his existence, he faded them off in the background so they were alone and his form folded shrinking down to Dean's size and went to it's knees to reach up and take Dean's hand. Long fingers clasping around Dean's sending more pleasurable sparks as he held onto him.  
"Please... Don't be alarmed by me, Dean. "  
It was all too much too quickly, Dean didn't know what to do with any of it.  
"Cas?? Is- Jesus.. This you? The real you? Not the, tax accountant shaped dude, but the real you?"  
He sputtered incredulous and Cas stood to his feet gazing back at him.  
"It's a depiction of my true form, yes... You can perceive the notion of my form here. "  
"Dude, You look like a SyFy movie special that they show on a Saturday night."  
"Dean, I'm allowing you to experience a spectrum of reality few have glimpsed. Can you be serious for a moment?"  
The Angel spoke with subtle affection tugging at his words, only to be met with a sheepish smile from the hunter.  
"How do you feel, Dean?"  
The hunter was too busy scoping out Cas's true form to even realize what he felt. Good. Free, like his old self again and not much worse for the wear. He looked on Cas with gratitude coupled with apprehension and awe.  
"Uh, Good, I guess. Pretty great actually... Um- Cas? Can I see whatever I want here?"  
The ancient being nodded quietly gazing back at him with eyes that were everything.  
"Can I see the old you then? The you I know. I mean... Not that this isn't pretty bad ass. It is. But uh-"  
Castiel held up an understanding hand to silence him before cupping his alien like hand over Dean's eyes to return himself to a more familiar and comforting visage. Withdrawing his hand blue hues met with revitalized green and the corner of his mouth twitched into a barely there smile that warmed Dean down to his bones.  
"That's not what I was expecting, you know that right?"  
He spoke with calmed amusement and Castiel straightened up before stepping closer to him.  
"Yes...I suppose so."  
Dean swallowed harshly gazing back at him. The warth surrounding him and caressing his skin made his body shudder.  
"What is that, Cas? What I'm feelin'... Is that- you?"  
The Angel reached out to rest his hands on Dean's sides and he felt another wave of bliss wash over him and he almost staggered backward if Cas wasn't steadying him. This was every shade of weird and wrong Dean kept telling himself. How much he wanted to feel more of Cas.  
"It's alright to feel, Dean... To allow yourself to feel something good, after all you've been through."  
With that he slipped his hand over Dean's chest filling him with a comforting warmth that made Dean's joints buckle and he almost went to his knees, catching himself on Cas's waist and sliding down to rest his cheek weakly against his abdomen.  
"The Hell's happening, Cas?"  
Castiel slipped his hands down to trail the back of Dean's neck.  
"I'm healing you... Your pain and guilt. The close proximity of my grace to your soul is cleansing you. Not permanently... I'm sorry, Dean but all the bad feelings will return when I put you back into your body because it is still marked. But here, with me- the mark cannot touch you."  
Dean's face turned into Cas's stomach and he reached up clutching the fabric of his coat between his fingers and was fighting the dry broken sob threatening to break from his throat.  
"I can't... I can't, Cas. It's too big. I don't wanna go back. Don't- please don't put me back in there again. I wanna stay here, with you..."  
He blinked at the confession in those words but he didn't care. Not in this state of being. Cas's grace was all around him and making him so open and fucking raw right now. All he could do was feel as the angel continued his ministrations on his soul. Castiel slipped down to his knees so he was eye level with Dean and cupped his jaw with tender affection beyond that of just a watcher or caretaker. He was asking wordless permission with his eyes and Dean understood but was too terrified to give it. Too terrified what that would mean for him later. The angel understood this and tugged Dean's face closer to him and rested their foreheads together.  
"I know... I know you don't want to Dean but we can fight this. I will fight for you to get your life back... Dean, look at me. You don't have to ask for anything. If you want me to take care of you for a little while... Just close your eyes."  
Dean stopped and stared at him with wet eyes, not angry, only terrified for him and coincidentally, for himself and what their future might hold, what Dean was capable of doing to Cas if he put his hands on him anywhere in the real world. But not here, here was safe. Safe away from The mark. From Demon's, from prying eyes and even his own shame. And for perhaps the first time in all the years he had known Cas, he felt that he could love him safely. That it could be alright. That it was alright even though Cas knew everything. Every bad thing that made Dean so worthless. So unworthy of his loyalty and faith. A new possibility came to him, and startled wonder brushed him like the wing of some large black bird. Could it be that Cas loved him too?  
With that thought calming his fears... Dean closed his eyes.

 

 

Dean's lips parted in a breath startled by the shock of heat pressing to his mouth, careful coaxing met with the alien sensation of stubble brushing against his own. Almost distractingly strange until he opened his eyes and it was just Cas. And he could muster a fiber in he being to care about about the guy stuff. That's not what this was. It went so much deeper than that. This was something that felt inevitable, that he would always end up here. Loving him. The Angel's hands wandered his body. Bare skin heated beneath, he had no memory of his clothing being stripped away or if he even had any to begin with. His breath caught in his throat at teeth grazing his ear as he was urged onto his back against the warm soil of this realm and he sank into it relaxing his spine. The weight of the being over him scared the hell out of him when he thought about it. Not physically, but the weight of everything that existed within him. The power of a million hurricanes was straddling him, exchanging the sweet moisture that hung in their shaking needy breaths.  
Long fingers pressed into his hips adjusting his too human form until his thighs fell apart to accommodate Castiel pressing his swelled heat against Dean's with otherworldly longing that made Dean feel safe and taken care of despite the act that was so outside of what he ever would have accepted for himself. Dean shuttered at every brush of the Angel's length against his own and he held onto him fighting for dominance as he thrusted his hips up, comforting himself with the illusion of control in this situation, which was immediately met with Cas clutching his hips and forcing them down causing Dean to gruff out a grunt of protest which came out far more needy and broken then he ever intended.  
"Please..."  
He whispered, unsure of what he was even asking for- but that didn't matter. Cas knew. He silenced him with a graceful tongue sweeping Dean's mouth, stealing away all the little fears and cries of protest. He slipped his hand down between his legs and traced knowing fingers carefully over that tight ring of muscle which fluttered closed at his touch. Dean's hips were awkward and unsure and he almost drew himself back with his elbows, breathless.  
"I don't know if I can do this... I don't think I c-"  
"You can. Dean... It's alright. Trust me. We've been through this before. Your soul broken and battered. I caressed every fiber and seam until you were whole. I'm going to make you whole again, Dean. For a little while. Please allow me to do that for you..."  
Dean knew it was the truth, he knew he didn't have the strength to deny this anyway. What he craved, what he needed Cas was offering him, he was offering him surrender. He submitted to his hands. Long fingers began to breach his most private area and he rested his forearm across his eyes so he wouldn't have to face his fear as a part of Castiel's essence found it's way inside him, pressing gently past resistance that felt like the smooth wonderful burn of that first drink of whiskey down his throat after he's run himself into the ground. Warming his core, filling a hole in him he thought could never be repaired. Grace protected his body from pain and gave him the gift of just feeling. Castiel crooked his fingers up deep inside Dean, finding that place that made his jaw go slack and whimpered cries of giving himself over spilled out. He spread him wide and vulnerable and Dean had gave up the fight, He knew Cas was gearing up to fuck him and that was okay. He wanted to be taken apart till there was nothing left. He didn't wanna feel the guilt and the pain anymore. He just wanted to feel Cas, filling him, claiming him. Tearing him apart till there was nothing left. If there was a way to go, that's the one that Dean begged for. He clutched at Cas's sides, nails scratching white lines bleeding into a soft pink, drawing a primal growl of lust from the Angel who rewarded him by positioning himself to nudge at Dean's slackened soft entrance. Dean spread his legs inviting and desperate for the storm to come. Castiel knew Dean was eager for it but also knew that Dean required more care weather he liked to admit it or not. It wasn't quick, he rolled his hips unhurried, teasing penetration with every roll causing Dean's frustrated cries to still in his throat and he just whimpered out shameful pleas until Castiel took pity on him and with slow steady resolved pressed forward driving steady into him, a smooth not entirely easy stretch but full and satisfying to the point Dean choked on a sob of relief as he pressed his head back and arched his body accepting Cas inside him, taking every ache and slow burn that bloomed lustful pleasure clawing at his insides.  
"Holy-- fuck, Cas... Cas please.. Please, son of a--"  
He babbled helplessly and reached for him thrusting his tongue up into the Angel's mouth with gratitude as he took him. He climbed the scaffolds of pleasure with him. His soul was gaping open and being filled with every drag of thick pleasure punching air from his lungs. Until he couldn't breath and couldn't care less about it.  
Castiel gripped Dean's chin forcing him to focus and open his eyes. When he did he was met with a gentle gaze.  
"Dean, look at me. Don't be afraid..."  
The hunter nodded even if he wasn't sure what he was agreeing to when Cas clasped his chin harder and pressed down urging Dean's mouth open and he leaned in parting his own lips, a visceral blue glow came from his throat and flowed through into Dean, pushing past his lips, ghosting the taste of air and starlight, particles of the both of them, traveling pleasure and heat through the bones of Dean's face and behind his eyes, tendrils of pleasure falling down his eyelids, tingling his lips and tongue then finding it's way down his throat into his chest swelling through his ribs hitching his breath blooming more sensation. intensifying as it lingers. Instead of dying down, curls in Dean's stomach and finds it's way through his groin combing pleasure from everywhere in his body slowly weakening him from being able to feel or be aware of anything else, breaking him down to nothing but feeling, at the point the Angel resumed his thrust to tip him over the edge. Dean's body was electric pulses swallowing him alive. Completely helpless but to take whatever came, it tore through every cell until he thought he would loose his mind unable to withstand anymore he cried out Cas's name but no sound came out as his whole being was enveloped by pure celestial light and feeling. His release was cosmic and tore through him until there was nothing left but soundless screams and tear stained cheeks.

 

Strong arms took what was left, gathering the shaking limbs up and pulled Dean's limp body to his chest, pressing kisses and reassuring whispers to his face. Dean felt himself sinking, sinking back into the world again. Into his body. He wanted to protest. To fight it, but the Angel hushed a calm over him as he opened his eyes to greet him in the darkened bedroom. Dean knew this would be awkward as hell in the real world but he'd worry about that later. He turned his face into Castiel's clothed chest and settled there boneless but peaceful. A renewed strength in him to carry on....


End file.
